AP: JACKSONVILLE, FL:
A mysterious illness, which is currently being nicknamed “Pink Fever” began appearing in Palm Beach, Florida by a select group of females. Rapidly however more cases are popping up daily across the country and doctors are scratching their heads in confusion.
Dr. Joseph McKim of Jacksonville, Florida describes early symptoms as the increasing desire to wear bright, loud clothes with unusual creatures that appear painted on, such as starfish, monkeys, and elephants.
“Gradually,” he says, “Victims’ of Pink Fever speech becomes impaired. They can’t help themselves. They start saying things like ‘Oh, shello’ and claiming that that they’re starting to feel ‘trunky.’”
As the disease progresses victims are unable to put down their smartphones and begin obsessively checking Facebook buy, sell, trade groups and refreshing their eBay pages. They speak on odd fragments of speech and refer to their clothes by unusual names like Elsa and Essie.
“It’s unknown at this time,” Dr. Lillian Rousseau, a family doctor in Charleston, South Carolina says, “how this illness could progress. We could see fewer neutrals in winter, a drop in clothes sales in colors black and brown. We don’t fully understand what’s happening here.”
Dr. Rousseau shakes her head and reaches for a pink, mint, and teal dolphin patterned handkerchief from her pocket and dabs her forehead. “I mean, good reef! We don’t even know what the shell is going out there!”
Doctors hope they will soon be able to understand Pink Fever well enough to work on a vaccine. Until then victims must trudge through their days of Target runs in hot pink Hunter rain boots while clutching their Starbucks cups tightly in their hands and looking around worriedly. They must remain calm and try not to coral amongst themselves as they focus on hanging with fronds who understand and sea them for who they really are. Shorely, the answers were searching for are out there but until scientists understand more they recommend you tropicall your doctor if you begin to feel tanked.