Sooo I’m about to start a local group to find some like minded friends.
I live north of Jacksonville and it’s so big and spread out that the few friends I do have here outside of Navy aren’t close enough for meeting up easily. And the ones I do have I consider good friends are moving. Because military.
So I’ve had it. I tried Bumble BFF and it’s too hard to reply to so many people and message multiple people long emails over and over.
And like there are lots of “mommy” meet ups but I don’t want to end up talking babywearing and breastfeeding and whatnot. Don’t get me wrong- I have my fair share of essential oils, I buy organic when I can, I loved babywearing and toddlerwearing and was even a brand ambassador of my fave babywearing company, I was vegan for three years-I have been and sometimes am still considered crunchy (I mean, Whole Foods does have some fucking amazing wine and 10% off for buying a case, AMIRITE?!)
I ran into this lady one time at Ulta when my kid was a three-nager running circles around me (literally- she thought it’d be funny to tangle my arms up) and I was losing my shit and this woman bestows her knowledge upon me that she HOMESCHOOLED HER 7 CHILDREN. When the lady in front of her overheard and asked her astonishingly, “Oh, my, how?!” the lady replied, raising her hand to the sky, “By the Grace of God.”
And I believe in the GRACE OF WINE and could not get away fast enough.
Like I just want to be around people who get me. And are like me. And offer to bring wine and let the kids run amok when I’m having a shitty day. Any my friend who is that to me currently is leaving. And my best friend in the whole world is in Maryland.
And I want to cry and go to Starbucks for the second time today already. I legit spent 3 hours at target today.
SO. Here’s what I’m going to do.
I’m going to start a group. And here’s my description for my group/want ad I wrote out in my Happy Place, the Starbucks inside Target of course:
Snarky, foul mouthed thirtyish SAHM ISO new besties for meet ups to include trips to Starbucks to chat about the latest thing your toddler has done/said/broken; wine tasting dates; brunches with or without little people (because, let’s face it, germs & lack of sitters); milkshakes at Chick Fil A (because fuck the germs, they have a play place and therefore we have minutes to ourselves).
Must love long strolls down the Dollar Deals aisle at Target.
Must share excessive use of the F bomb in daily convos.
Must believe yoga pants are pants and therefore entirely appropriate for every day attire.
Must be willing to text each other to spread awareness about the latest Kate Spade Surprise Sale asap.
Must not be opposed to or judgy against mimosas before 9am.
Must swear to a no judgement law against excessive screen time use as a babysitter (hey, there’s some fucking educational shit on the iPad too).
Bonus points for:
◦ Mug collection addictions
◦ Preference for brut champagne
◦ Own at least one monogram
◦ The Starbucks baristas (at at least one location) recognize you
◦ You’ve said “On Wednesday’s we wear pink” or “You can’t sit with us” in the past three months
◦ You idolized and imitated every Buffy the Vampire Slayer hair cut growing up and/or still remember a character from the show’s snarky one liner
◦ You know the difference between mint and teal.
◦ 8 or more basic tees from Target are in your closet
◦ You’ve called your animal(s) fur babies
◦ You’ve called yourself “Mom to furbaby” at least once
◦ You want to join a bookclubs but are not sure if you can commit to reading a certain book each month, or attending a monthly night Meetup, or you’re afraid the group will take themselves and their book WAY too seriously (“We get that there’s a theme, Karen, but you don’t have to bring it up in every fucking discussion.”
◦ Excessive koozies everywhere (extra bonus points if any of them are a Lilly Pulitzer pattern)
◦ You’ve said, “Well, bless her heart” and you’re not even from the south
◦ Can’t decide whether you love or hate glitter (its soooo pretty and you love buying stuff with it but if the kid even mentions glitter or slime you cover your ears)
◦ You own something Kate Spade other than a bag
◦ Amazon Prime is another bestie of yours
◦ You want a farmhouse table but cringe thinking about its future crayon/Sharpie/paint/booger/spaghetti/pen/unknown stains.
◦ You know the difference between macaron and macaroon and it irks you when people misplace the words.
◦ You’ve contemplated asking a random girl for her number in the Homegoods/TJMaxx/Marshall’s because obviously anyone who can’t have enough thank you notes or cute motivational signs or notepads is your soul sister.
◦ You’re nodding yes to almost every one of these descriptions.
And if you’re nodding yes to pretty much any of these descriptions, PLEASE, for the love of all that is holy and caffeinated, meet me at the Starbucks in Target and we’ll go see Bad Moms Christmas together after clearing out the Dollar Deals. Don’t worry- the movie theater has wine.
PS I need club name ideas! Champagne Tribe? Basic Moms Unite? Hot Mess Moms Club? Wine Tribe? Moms Who Cuss?